Hands Clean
by Farseeker
Summary: Fic to the song 'Hands Clean'. Harry/Severus slash, with mention of suicide. I'm not going to bother with a summary since it's fairly short.
1. Default Chapter

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A/N- *insert insane laughter here* Oh, how the mighty have fallen! It's slash, people! And student/teacher relations to boot! Consider yourself warned, and ickle kiddies stay away! There's no bonking in this, but you'll probably just go 'eeew…squicky' anyway. *grins*

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Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm corrupting the work of the fabulous JK Rowling and gaining recognition for it. *grins* Go me!

We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honoured your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this...

Harry watched the owl fly away, knowing that by the time it reached him it would be too late. He had planned it that way. There was no way that he could continue the way he had been, living this half-life and pretending that nothing had happened, that everything was alright...he sighed. What was the point of going on, after all? He had defeated Voldemort, had watched as Hermione and Ron admitted their feelings for each other, attended their wedding...the Quidditch world cup rested on his mantelpiece, yet still he felt as if he had achieved nothing. So he was ending it, ending it with a last 

message to the one whom he loved, and the one who had broken him...

* * *

Severus awoke to the scraping of claws against a windowpane, and the tapping of a beak against glass. He smiled as he recognised the bird, and opened the window, eager for some news from Harry. He had broken things off a long time ago, but Harry still occasionally sent him messages, and Severus found that they were the things that he lived for, the brief contact with Harry that they held a lifesaver. He opened the package the owl carried, eager to see Harry's familiar handwriting again. There was no letter, though; just a small black box with a row of buttons marked with words like 'f/frd', 'rwd', 'stop' and 'play'. He frowned, before shrugging and pressing the 'play' button, wondering why Harry would send him a muggle toy.

"Umm...Hi, Sev--"

Snape dropped the box as Harry's voice began to come out of it, surprised beyond belief. Who would have thought the muggles could have figured out how to transmit voices without magic? He would have to write to Harry and ask how they did it...

"Don't know why I'm doing this but -- Oh, you've dropped it, Severus. Pick it up, now, it's not good for the wiring if you keep doing that. Yes, now put it on the table." There was silence for a moment, and then-- "I did it again, didn't I? Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. So annoying that is. I mean, really. You'd think I'd be able to record a simple tape without slipping into a vision..."

Snape sighed irritably. Harry had started having visions frequently after he defeated Voldemort, and he tended to ramble for a little while afterwards.

"Damnit, now I'm rambling. I _know_ you hate it when I ramble. Maybe I should just start the tape again. No, no, I'm going to do this now. Okay. So. Um. Oh for Gods...I'm sick of this, Sev. I'm so, so sick of it. Jesus Christ, why does it feel like I haven't accomplished anything at all? I defeated _Voldemort_, for Chrissakes...I'm so tired...And I miss you, you know...just thought I should tell you. What did I do wrong? Not just with you...no...what did I do wrong? When did I screw up so badly that whatever god is out there decided to punish me this way?"

The box made a crackling noise, and fell silent. Severus froze, wondering if he'd damaged it in some way. Wondering if he'd damaged Harry in some way, and then realising that he had. Maybe it hadn't just been him, but he had contributed. The poor boy sounded completely calm on the tape, but the words...the words...He had thought he had broken it off well, too. Gently enough not to hurt him, but firmly enough to say that there was no chance. There hadn't been, either. There were still Death Eaters on the loose, and if they ever found out...more than that, if the public ever found out...Harry's reputation, and Severus', would be ruined. But had it been the best thing to do?

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough, I'm sorry that I couldn't be what everyone wanted, I'm so sorry..."

Harry's voice was whispering now, almost as if he had forgotten that he was recording his voice. Severus had never really understood why the boy automatically apologised. Harry had never explained it to him when he had asked; he had just shrugged and changed the subject.

"No. I'm recording this for a reason and I'm going to finish it." Harry's voice snapped with sudden decisiveness and authority. "I can't stand it anymore Sev, so I'm leaving. By the time you get this I will be gone, most probably. I'm not going to come back, Sev. I just don't care anymore...I just don't care...I wanted to give you something though, before I left. Call it a goodbye present, if you will." A heavy sigh issued from the box and echoed around the room. "You know about my fascination with music...you never could understand it, but you knew about it. Well, I finally wrote and recorded a song. I don't know why, but I sent it off to a record company...and they liked it, Sev. I've made an album. The first song, the one that I sent off, is being released tomorrow. I wrote it for you...to say goodbye. I tried to--to see it from your point of view, I guess. For most of it, anyway. They changed a bit of it...I let them, because I wanted you to know...I wanted you to hear it first. So...here it is..." There was the soft sound of a guitar being plucked, before Harry's sweet, husky voice began to sing.

"If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened

If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would have been able to control myself

If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and

If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much"

Jesus Christ...how had he seen? How had he known? Severus realised that he was shaking slightly, and sank into a chair, covering his face with his hands before shifting and running them through his hair. He had hoped Harry would understand enough to accept it, but this...

"Ooh, this could be messy

But you don't seem to mind

Ooh, don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honoured your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this"

Severus winced. Was that what Harry had thought he was doing..? Wiping the slate clean, trying to pretend it had never happened? He took back the last few thoughts. Harry didn't understand, didn't understand at all. How could he ever pretend that the time he had felt most alive had never happened? How would he have been able to continue without those memories?

"You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me

You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me

I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian

I know you sexualise me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh, this could be messy

But you don't seem to mind

Ooh, don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honoured your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this

What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?

What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?

What's with this distance, it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family

We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse

I wish I could tell the world 'cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly

I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh, this could be messy

But you don't seem to mind

Ooh, don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime..."

Harry's voice faded away. Severus was in shock. He hadn't realised that Harry had felt that strongly...and beautiful? No one had ever cared that much, had thought him beautiful...The recording ran silent for a moment, before a choking sob flew out of the box, and Harry's voice started again.

"I'm sorry...so sorry...But I can't stand it anymore, Sev. I can't. No one hears, Sev. I scream and shout and yell and cry, but they never hear me...Why? Why can't they hear me? Am I that unimportant? Am I just a figurehead for them to follow? How many died for me, Severus? How many lives lost for me? It's not _fair_, for fuck's sake. It's just not fair...But in the end...a life for a life...I'm sorry Sev. I wasn't strong enough without you. Don't...don't blame yourself for this, please...it was always me, right from the start. Always my weaknesses, my faults that brought everyone else down...I love you, Severus. And I'm so sorry..."

There was a click, and the 'play' button shot up. Severus stared at the box vacantly. A life for a life, he had said...Cold horror filled the man, and he ran to the door before remembering that yes, he was a wizard and he could apparate. 'By the time you get this I will be gone,' he had said. Severus concentrated on Harry's house, his room, his face...and then he was there. Harry was sprawled on the bed, face pale, chest still. Snape leaned over him, feverishly checking his breathing and heartbeat. There was still a faint beat, but his lungs weren't moving at all. Severus took a deep breath then fitted his mouth to Harry's and breathed into him steadily. He didn't know how long he continued to breath for Harry, but just as he was about to give up a choking cough issued from Harry and he began to breath erratically. Severus glanced around, looking for a bottle or glass that Harry would have used, and spotted a small jar on the bedside table. He picked it up and turned it to read the label. Nievera, a poison that slowly shut down the mind and all other bodily functions. That meant that even if Harry continued to breath and his heart continued to function he would most probably remain brain dead. Snape glanced around frantically, trying to think of what to do. A shock might work, some kind of sensation to force Harry's mind to wake up, to realise what was happening. Severus slapped his face, but there was no reaction. He looked up again, and this time he heard and saw a drop of water fall from the ceiling and plop onto the ground. He lifted Harry up and carried him out into the hall and into the bathroom. He turned on the cold water tap of the shower as far as it would go before stepping in, taking Harry with him. He slapped his face again, watching for any sign of movement or awareness from Harry.

"Come on, you little fool...open your eyes, move, do _something_....please...I can't---I can't live without knowing that you're alive, that you're okay...couldn't you see that, Harry? Didn't you realise? I...I love you..." Severus whispered, sliding down the wall of the shower to kneel on the floor. He shook Harry, suddenly angry at the boy for what he had done. And then it happened. Harry coughed, shuddering from both the rough treatment and the coughs racking his body. His eyes slid open to focus on Severus, confusion showing clearly in the dark green orbs. Snape uttered a choked 'thank you' and pulled Harry into a bone-crushing embrace, choking sobs running through him as he cradled the boy's limp body. Harry's hand lifted to touch Severus' shoulder lightly.

"Sev? What..." Harry started, before falling silent as Snape pulled out his wand and sent Harry to sleep with a quick word. He stood, staggering slightly under the increased weight Harry made with his dripping robes, and moved to lie him on the floor, using a charm to dry the boy's clothes and body. He used the same charm on himself, then lifted Harry again and placed him on the bed, pulling up the sheets and tucking them in. Severus touched Harry's face gently, shocked that he could look so peaceful when asleep considering what he had been through. He sank into a chair near the bed and continued to watch Harry sleep through the night.

Ooh, this could be messy

But I don't seen to mind

Ooh, don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime.


	2. Response...

Disclaimer- Not mine. All JK Rowling's.

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Chapter Two

Bleary eyes opened to stare at the ceiling in dazed confusion. Harry turned his head to the side, staring blankly at the figure of Snape, slumped in a chair and snoring slightly. 

"I must be stuck in limbo," He said, slipping out of the bed and padding across to the bathroom. He splashed some cold water onto his face and used one of the towels to wipe the excess water off. As he did so a pair of arms wrapped around him and pulled him back until he was leaning against another body.

"You silly, silly boy," Severus murmured, bending down to bury his face in Harry's shoulder. Harry blinked.

"Erm...I think you're the silly one, actually. I mean, unless they've changed the bible without my knowledge suicide is still a really big sin, which means I should actually be in hell right now, instead of being stuck in purgatory or whatever you want to call it."

"You're not in limbo."

"This is hell? It's not as bad as I thought it would be."

"This isn't hell."

"Well I _know_ that it isn't heaven."

"How?"  
"Would my roof still be leaking if I were in heaven?"  
"Good point."

There was silence for a moment, apart from the occasional drop of water from the roof.

"So...where am I, then?"

"In your house."

"Oh. Why am I still here?"

"Because you screwed up your timing and I managed to make it here before you carked it."

"Why did you even bother coming, then? You're just going to leave and I'll be able to try again. I'm bound to get it right sooner or later."

"That would be why I'm not leaving."

"Oh? I could have you arrested for trespassing.."  
"But you won't."  
"How do you know?"

"Because if you do that I'll have you arrested for attempted suicide. It's an offence, you know."  
"I'm well aware of that. Do you really think a person would believe you if you told them I tried to take my own life, though? I am the Boy Who Lived, after all."

Harry heard a sigh behind him, before feeling gentle teeth nip at his neck. He immediately hunched up, trying to stop Severus.

"Don't do that." His voice was sharp.

"Why not?"

"Because it's bloody teasing, that's why, and it's not fair," Harry's voice cracked on the last word.

"How do you know that I'm teasing?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I must be wrong. You're here because you've suddenly realised that you love me and want to shag me senseless."

"Hm. The suddenly realising bit...no. I've known that for a while now. The shagging you senseless part...the shagging would be good, but I wouldn't be able to shag you senseless since you've already lost all your sense."  
"Liar."

"I'm serious. It became quite apparent to me as soon as I realised that you were trying to kill yourself. No person with any sense does that."

"No, they'd just live a life where the only thing that they really want they can't have. That really sounds like living to me!" Harry pulled away and turned around, eyes shimmering with sudden tears. "Every day I would wake up and wonder exactly why I was. Every night I'd fall asleep and pray that I would stay that way. My prayers weren't answered, though, and it soon became quite clear to me that whatever I'd done wrong must have been really big for God to force me to live in such agony. So I decided that God could get fucked. I didn't care what happened to me as long as I didn't have to put up with this torture day after day anymore. And it _is_ torture. Because, you know, everyone tells you that hey, you're great! You saved the world! You've done so much for them! But you don't _feel _it. You feel like you've accomplished shit-all because there's no one there to prove it to you. And each day you force yourself through you have to watch all these people who are safe, and happy and have what they want because of you, and know that you will never have that because you can't do anything for yourself. And I am _not_ going to stay here and continue to live through that just because you had a sudden attack of conscience!"

Snape rocked back at the sudden fury in Harry's voice. 

"And -- And then you have the nerve to say that you _love_ me. That you want to stay with me. And how long would that last, Severus? A day? A week? A month? Not much longer, that's for sure. You'd end up leaving again because you'd be ashamed of us, and things would be the same as they are now. And I can't deal with that. I just...can't." Harry backed away into a corner and slid down the wall, wrapping his arms about his knees and rocking slowly from side to side.

"Yeah? Well...well how do you think _I_ feel?" Snape said, taking a step forward. Harry didn't look up.

"How do you think I felt to find out that the person I left to protect tried to kill themself? How do you think I felt when I realised that it was because of _me_ that you felt that you needed to do that, that you needed to escape from life so badly? And don't say that it wasn't me, because I know that it was! It may not have all been me, but I was what tipped you over the edge! And that makes me feel dirty, and cruel. It makes me feel like a monster and I've spent most of my adult life trying to convince myself that I'm not! I left you because there were still Death Eaters out there, and they were after _me_. They weren't interested in you anymore, they wanted me because I betrayed You-Know-Who. If they were to find that I was with you, though...if they were to know...How could I protect you from them? They would have tried to kill you to get to me, and I couldn't...I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let them get to you. And it killed me to have to leave you, to have to walk away from you when all I wanted was you, but I did. I did and...I thought you understood. I thought you would have realised. I-I'm sorry. But I couldn't bear the thought of you being hurt because of me. Not when I had already caused so much death and pain. I just...I thought that you would move on, get over it. You're still young, I thought you would find someone else and forget about me. And that hurt the most. I didn't know, I-I didn't think..."

Severus took another step forward and sank to his knees beside him, reaching out a tentative hand to touch his shoulder. Harry flinched.

"I didn't think..."

"No. You didn't. And you used to say that I never thought things through," A muffled voice rose from the hunched-up form that was Harry, followed by a choked-up sob.

"Harry. Look at me. Please. I need...I need to. To see you. Please," Severus shifted to touch the side of Harry's face, slipping two fingers under his chin and lifting Harry's head up to face him. 

"Please..." He whispered, leaning forward to kiss the corner of Harry's eye gently, tasting the salty tears that lingered there. "Don't make me leave you. Not again. Please. I want to stay with you..." He shifted to wrap an arm around Harry, pulling him into an awkward hug. There was no response from Harry for a moment, then two pale hands shot out from the hunched form to clutch at the front of Severus' robe.

"Promise..." 

Severus drew in a shuddering breath, trying to stop himself from wailing like a child. "I won't leave you again. I promise. I want to stay with you. Please let me stay with you..." He rocked Harry gently, blinking back tears. The two sat there for some hours, rocking together silently.


End file.
